2 0 1 2: An Epic Parody Event
by Zephdae
Summary: We Were Warned... how ridiculous this movie would be.
1. Part 1

AN: First, let me assure you—I enjoyed every minute of 2012. Because I am a disaster movie junkie and I love movies that are logically absurd and ridiculous with awesome special effects. That being said, I'm still going to rip the hell out of it.

A few notes about references to other movies that show up in this parody: Deep Impact, if you have not seen it, is a 1998 movie in which Morgan Freeman is the President and an asteroid is headed for earth (also starring Tea Leoni and a young Elijah Wood…and you should watch it because it's actually pretty good, much better than Armageddon). Dante's Peak is a 1997 movie in which Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton face a volcanic eruption (that's right, James Bond and Sarah Connor vs. the volcano)…you don't need to watch this one, just know that there is a scene where Pierce Brosnan drives his car over a lava bed, and they get stuck and the wheels CATCH ON FIRE, but he still drives out. And then later THE SAME CAR outruns a pyroclastic flow. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. And Chiwetel Ejiofor also stars in the movie Serenity, which if you have not seen—YOU SHOULD. So if Adrian says any lines that sound out of place…it's probably something his character says in Serenity.

Okay, NOW let's rip the hell out of 2012!

* * *

The sun shoots out some SOLAR FLARES and the planets ALIGN, or something. This is just so the movie seems SCIENCEY.

ADRIAN HELMSLEY, a GEOLOGIST for the US GOVERNMENT, is driving in a TAXI down a RAINY STREET in some random village in INDIA.

TOY BOAT: (capsizes) Arr, I be foreshadowing!

Adrian's BFF, some RANDOM INDIAN SCIENTIST, takes him into a COPPER MINE, where it is VERY HOT but Adrian still does not take off his JACKET.

BFF SCIENTIST: Neutrinos from the sun are causing the Earth's core to boil. Not the oceans or anything, just the core. And btw we're all going to die.

ADRIAN: Oh noes! I must tell the President!

BFF SCIENTIST'S WIFE: But what about your fish curry??

Adrian goes to a PARTY in WASHINGTON.

ADRIAN: No, dude, I swear, I'm supposed to be here. No, I am _not_ a friend of the Salahis! I need to speak to the President, I tell you!

SECRETARY OF STATE, aka FAT DICKHEAD: Stop disturbing this fancy dinner party! We are celebrating the money we have raised so that we can continue being fat dickheads!

ADRIAN: Just read this data, sir!

FAT DICKHEAD: Oh, fi— Oh my GOD!

ADRIAN: I know, right? Crazy!

Six months LATER, the PRESIDENT meets with a bunch of WORLD LEADERS.

PRESIDENT: The world…as we know it…is coming…to an end.

AUDIENCE: Why is it that every time there's a black president in the movies, THE WORLD ENDS?

PRESIDENT: Alas, I'm just a poor man's Morgan Freeman.

And now that the SCIENCE is out of the way… This is—

**2 0 1 2**

NICOLAS CAGE wakes up on his COUCH. He is the obligatory EVERYMAN HERO.

Oh, NEVER MIND. I have just discovered that JOHN CUSACK is the hero of this film. WHAT the FUCK?

NICOLAS CAGE: I've been rooooobbed!

JOHN CUSACK: That's right, bitch.

Nick and John have a SLAP-FIGHT until John realizes that his character, JACKSON CURTIS, is very LATE.

50-CENT, aka CURTIS JACKSON: Bitch stole my name!

John and 50 have a SLAP-FIGHT until 50 threatens to BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS, FOO'.

Jackson takes his kids CAMPING in a LIMO, because he's COOL LIKE THAT. And because there are ALWAYS KIDS in disaster movies. His EX-WIFE KATE is living with PLASTIC SURGEON GORDON.

GORDON: I'm clearly not marked for death!

NOAH: In an extremely clever role reversal, I love my stepfather and hate my real dad. Also, my name is some awesome FORESHADOWING!

LILY: I wet the bed and that is my entire personality.

Elsewhere, a sudden TIDE causes a CRUISE SHIP to CRASH against the DOCK.

CAPTAIN: It's okay! She's UNSINKABLE! Weigh anchor!

AUDIENCE: Yeah…this is gonna end well.

Back in the WHITE HOUSE, the PRESIDENT is meeting with ADRIAN and FAT DICKHEAD. The FIRST DAUGHTER/OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST enters. She is an ERNEST YOUNG WOMAN with NO other recognizable PERSONALITY.

ADRIAN: I'm ernest TOO! Let's make out. Byyyy the way, the world's ending faster than expected.

FIRST DAUGHTER: Whaaat?

PRESIDENT: Oh yeah. Honey, the world's ending.

Meanwhile, JACKSON is taking his KIDS on a HIKE in YELLOWSTONE.

JACKSON: Come on kids, let's climb over this fence with the restricted government sign and check out the evil sulfur lake with dead animals all around it! I'm the best dad ever!

Most COINCIDENTALLY, they meet the man in charge of SAVING THE WORLD and have a very COINCIDENTAL conversation about DISASTERS and ALTRUISM.

ADRIAN: Omigod, are you really _the_ Jackson Curtis??

JACKSON: I think you're thinking of Curtis Jackson.

Adrian SKYPES with his INDIAN SCIENTIST BFF.

BFF SCIENTIST: The world's ending, like, now.

BFF SCIENTIST'S KID: Whaaaat?

ADRIAN: Oh dear! I must stare ernestly out the window at that writer and his kids! The death of six billion people is just a statistic…but this random family that I just met, now that's a tragedy.

That NIGHT, JACKSON looks at PORN on his COMPUTER, while his kids COMPLAIN about MOSQUITOS.

EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO HAS EVER GONE CAMPING, OR HAS ANY COMMON SENSE AT ALL: That's why you keep the tent door _zipped_. Dumbasses.

Jackson LEAVES his kids to get EATEN by a BEAR and goes to visit a nearby TRAILER, where CRAZY PICKLE GUY is broadcasting on CRAZY CONSPIRACY RADIO.

CRAZY PICKLE GUY: THE WORLD IS ENDING AND THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING TO EAT US AAAAALLLLL!

JACKSON: Huh.

CRAZY PICKLE GUY: Here, watch this episode of HomeStar Runner while I eat some pickles.

EMMERICH: In case you were wondering, yes, this is as scientific as the movie will get.

JACKSON: Okay, that was great dude. Gimme your beer.

Jackson is KIND OF A DICK.

Meanwhile, KATE and GORDON are in the SUPERMARKET, and FAULT LINES suddenly have a DEEPLY IRONIC sense of TIMING.

JACKSON, NOAH, and LILY come HOME because of the aforementioned IRONIC FAULT LINES. Jackson works as a CHAFFEUR for a RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE, who is preparing to EVACUATE on some SECRET SHIPS. The BILLIONAIRE RUSSIAN CHILDREN are BRATTY and OBNOXIOUS.

JACKSON: Government restricted areas… crazy pickle guy…bratty Russian ginger kids…OH MY GOD THE WORLD REALLY IS ENDING!

EMMERICH: (rubs hands together in anticipation) So, how many disasters do you think I can cram into one movie?? Start counting, people, it's gonna be a shitshow!

Jackson RUSHES HOME, where ARNOLD is REASSURING the people of CALIFORNIA on the TELEVISION. And has apparently entered his ILLEGAL THIRD TERM as GOVERNOR.

ARNOLD: Ze vurst ees over—

The FAULT LINES continue to be DEEPLY IRONIC.

EMMERICH: Earthquakes! THAAAAT'S ONE!

JACKSON: We've got to get out of here RIGHT NOW!

KATE: No, we'll be okay! We used to watch these videos in high school! Just duck and cover, kids!

They jump into the LIMO as the EARTH CRUMBLES all around them, yet they still have time for some ONE-LINERS and OLD LADY DRIVING HUMOR. LA goes to SHIT, but JOHN CUSACK is UNTOUCHABLE.

LIMO: (is secretly a Humvee) I'm almost as indestructable as that car Pierce Brosnan drove across the lava in Dante's Peak!

After crashing through an apparently COMPLETELY EMPTY GLASS BUILDING and escaping many other hazards such as a large DONUT, they arrive at the airport where they STEAL a small PLANE.

GORDON: I can't fly such a monstrosity!

JACKSON: Dude, the ground is collapsing behind us. I'm pretty sure you can.

GORDON: We have to get up to 88 miles an hour! 88, I say, or we can't go back in time! I mean…take off!

Suddenly, Gordon becomes an UNTOUCHABLE STUNT PILOT.

GORDON: Wooooh-eeeee! I bet I could pull a car off a baby right now!

Back on the CRUISE SHIP, we discover that the LOUNGE SINGER is ADRIAN'S DADDY!

ADRIAN: It's been sure nice talkin' to you, Dad, it's been sure nice talkin' to you. By the way, the world's ending and a gigantic tidal wave is probably going to kill you.

ADRIAN'S DADDY: Well, look on the bright side—now I can reenact the ending of Titanic, just like I've always wanted!

JACKSON and the FAMILY arrive back at YELLOWSTONE, which appears to have a little GAS. Jackson takes his DAUGHTER onto a VOLCANO in order to find CRAZY PICKLE GUY.

CRAZY PICKLE GUY: I'm crazy and even I think that's messed up.

JACKSON: Where are the ships?? WHERE ARE THE SHIPS???

CRAZY PICKLE GUY: Chill out, man. There's a map in the glove compartment.

JACKSON: Okay, thanks dude. Who says men never stop and ask for directions?

Yellowstone ERUPTS.

EMMERICH: Volcanic eruption! THAAAT'S TWO!

Jackson and Lily get into Crazy Pickle Guy's CAMPER and SPEED OFF, followed closely by LAVA BOMBS.

JACKSON: NO LAVA BOMBS CAN TOUCH ME!!

CAMPER: (is also secretly a Humvee) MUAHAHAHAHHA!

CRAZY PICKLE GUY should SO be DEAD ALREADY, but instead, let's GIGGLE at his BUTT CRACK. Love that HIGHBROW HUMOR.

The CAMPER arrives back at the PLANE just in the NICK of TIME. JACKSON goes rifling through the GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

JACKSON: AHA! I'll just pause and exult for a minute now that I've found the ma—OHshit.

The CAMPER begins to FALL into a CHASM!

EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE: (knows that Jackson's hand is going to emerge at the last possible second)

It DOES. SHOCK.

JACKSON gets onto the PLANE and they TAKE OFF while the runway CRUMBLES behind them, as RUNWAYS are WONT to do. Then the plane OUTFLIES the PYROCLASTIC FLOW from the recent volcanic ERUPTION.

GORDON: If Pierce Brosnan can do it, then SO CAN I!

PLANE'S ENGINES: (continue to function even inside a gigantic cloud of hot ash)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: The Last Days of Pompeii was more realistic than this.

Back in the WHITE HOUSE, we find out that FAT DICKHEAD has a HUMAN CONNECTION. But ONLY ONE.

FAT DICKHEAD: CONTINUITY! OF! SPECIES!

ADRIAN: I'm going to go visit the President in the chapel now and have an ernest conversation about humanity.

FAT DICKHEAD: Of course you are.

In the CHAPEL…

PRESIDENT: If only I were Morgan Freeman! Then I would've handled this right!

On AIR FORCE ONE…

ADRIAN: President's not coming.

FAT DICKHEAD: Too bad. Guess I'm President now! LET'S GO!

ADRIAN: This is bogus! Just how far down is the Secretary of State in the presidential succession line, anyway?

HILARY CLINTON: THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

Meanwhile, the PRESIDENT addresses the NATION.

PRESIDENT: Everyone…the world is ending.

EVERYONE: NO SHIT.

PRESIDENT: So…bye all! Hugs and smoochies!

In SOME OTHER AIRPORT, large crowds of people are FREAKING OUT. LIKE WOAH.

JACKSON: Hey look, there's my billionaire Russian employer! I bet _he_ has a plane!

YURI: Like I'm going to take you and your pathetic family with me.

SASCHA: We need a copilot! Can anyone here fly a plane??

GORDON: NOT ME!!!

JACKSON: Dude! Do I have to tell you again? When the world is ending, _you can fly the damn plane_!

The PYROCLASTIC FLOW from Yellowstone APPROACHES the airport as they COMMANDEER a GINORMOUS PLANE!!!

* * *

Cliffhanger! Update soon.

Disclaimer: Trust me, I could write a better script than 2012.


	2. Part 2

AN: Don't you love it when I say I'll update in a week and then don't update for seven months? I know I do. The kicker is, I've had almost all of this just sitting on my computer for those seven months. And today I was procrastinating but still wanted to feel productive, so I whipped out a few more pages. It turned out too long for one chapter, so I'm going to post the last bit in a few days.

References to Dante's Peak continue. I also tried to include a Strictly Sexual reference for Sasha, but I just couldn't make it work.

Disclaimer: I in no way own, make any claim to owning, or want to own any part of the 2012 franchise.

* * *

The PYROCLASTIC FLOW from Yellowstone APPROACHES the airport as they COMMANDEER a GINORMOUS PLANE!

JACKSON: We need to go to China! I have a map!

YURI: We already know that.

JACKSON: …Oh.

AIRPORT OFFICIALS: HEY! You people down there! You are not cleared for take-off! What the hell do you think you're doing?

JACKSON: Seriously? Seriously, you're going to enforce airport regulations _now_? You're about to freaking die!

OFFICIALS: YOU MUST ABORT! I REPEAT, YOU MUST ABORT!

The entire AIRPORT falls into a CHASM.

OFFICIALS: You must aboooooooort…

They TAKE OFF as the RUNWAY CRUMBLES behind them. Can't have a PROPER TAKE-OFF without a COLLAPSING RUNWAY.

SASHA: Hey Gordon, mind taking the controls for a sec while I have a pee?

GORDON: Whaaat?

Meanwhile, on a RANDOM MOUNTAIN in a RANDOM COUNTRY THAT HAS MOUNTAINS, the DALAI LAMA OR SOMEONE RANDOM LIKE THAT is hanging out with SOME KID.

DALAI LAMA: Kid, stop being such a smartass.

KID: Don't you mean to say "In order to see the light of wisdom, you must first empty your cup"?

DALAI LAMA: No. I mean stop being such a smartass.

Back on the GINORMOUS PLANE, KATE is having a CHAT with Yuri's girlfriend, TAMARA. We find out that Kate is also KIND OF A DICK.

JACKSON: See, we are soooo perfect for each other.

GORDON: I'm going to die, aren't I?

SASHA: Attention. This is your captain speaking. We're beginning our final descent to Hawaii for refueling. Local time is 8:30 PM, and we should have you on the ground in about 20 minutes.

GORDON: (points out the window) Um…

HAWAII is covered in FIRE and LAVA and appears to be SINKING into the ocean.

GORDON: Come on, of _course_ Hawaii is gone, it _is_ a freaking volcano!

PIERCE BROSNAN in a brief CAMEO: WE CAN LAND ON THAT!

Back on AIR FORCE ONE…

FIRST DAUGHTER: I'm sad and ernest.

ADRIAN: Me too. Let's make out. Oh, and by the way everyone, the earth's crust is shifting and there's gonna be a shit ton of tidal waves.

Meanwhile, the PRESIDENT is WANDERING outside with his BELOVED AMERICANS. It appears to be RAINING ASH from the Yellowstone ERUPTION, but this is NOT BOTHERING anyone.

PRESIDENT: It's okay, everyone…I'm here.

AMERICANS: We are comforted.

An EARTHQUAKE causes the WASHINGTON MONUMENT to COLLAPSE DRAMATICALLY!

EMMERICH: And a phallic monument tumbles. Isn't this so much better than it being the Statue of Liberty all the time?

ST. PETER'S BASILICA in the VATICAN also COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY. Because God knows only LARGE MONUMENTS are ever DESTROYED by the END of the WORLD.

PRESIDENT: I'm comin', Dorothy! I'll click my heels three times—

Then a TIDAL WAVE kills everyone, including the PRESIDENT and ADRIAN'S DADDY. SAD. But they FACE their deaths HEAD-ON, for they are BRAVE BLACK ROLE MODELS.

EMMERICH: Tidal waves! THAAAT'S THREE!

Back on the GINORMOUS PLANE, KATE and JACKSON are sitting in one of the SHOW CARS in the CARGO BAY.

KATE, JACKSON: (have a heartfelt conversation)

AUDIENCE: (takes a bathroom break)

SASHA: Attention. This is your captain speaking. We are out of fuel and will shortly be making an emergency landing in the ocean. Local time is 10:45 PM and we're all going to die.

GORDON: Well, at least we won't have to worry about the landing gear, since we lost it during take-off back in California.

JACKSON: So…how exactly were we planning to land in Hawaii, refuel, and take off again?

GORDON: …I don't know.

AUDIENCE: (has their intelligence insulted)

JACKSON, NOAH: (more heartfelt conversations)

AUDIENCE: (gets more popcorn)

Gordon sees JACKSON and FAMILY having their HEARTFELT MOMENT and HUGGING.

GORDON: Yeah…I am so gonna die.

SASHA: Oh hey, check it out! We're not going to crash in the ocean after all! We're going to crash in the Himalayas instead!

The EARTH'S CRUST has obligingly MOVED CHINA 1500 MILES CLOSER.

SASHA: But we're still going to crash, and probably die. Unless…I sacrifice myself to save you all and become a totally hot hero! YES!

In a TOTALLY REALISTIC and FOLLOWING ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS scene, our intrepid heroes ESCAPE the plane in a BENTLEY.

EMMERICH: Plane crash! THAAAT'S FOUR!

SASHA: And I'm not even dead! This is AWEs—OHshit.

The plane FALLS over the CLIFF EDGE and explodes in a FIERY FIREBALL OF DEATH. Even though it was OUT OF FUEL, so there was actually NOTHING TO CATCH ON FIRE. But that's okay, since all disaster movies follow the INDIANA JONES RULES OF MOVIEMAKING: Whenever anything FALLS OVER, it must EXPLODE.

TAMARA: Saaaaaassshhaaaaa! Nooooooo! I looooooove you!

YURI: Just for that, you don't get to escape the apocalypse with me and my bratty ginger twins! I'm sure I'll find another hot girlfriend after the world ends, my money doesn't mean anything, and there are approximately three fertile women per every 25 politicians.

Some convenient HELICOPTERS carrying AFRICAN ANIMALS come to RESCUE YURI and the TWINS.

YURI: (zooms away in a harness next to a giraffe) Ha-ha!

JACKSON: Well, this sucks. Come on kids, I guess we're walking.

NOAH: Walking where?

JACKSON: China. Duh.

KATE: Luckily it's not _too_ freezing in the Himalayas or anything. Just a bit brisk. Come along, kids!

GORDON: (to Tamara) I think we're both going to die.

Meanwhile, ADRIAN and the FIRST DAUGHTER bond over their AWKWARD ADOLESCENCES, and NO ONE CARES. They arrive on the SECRET SHIPS with FAT DICKHEAD and other GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.

ADRIAN: This is the future of humanity? People rich enough to afford billion-euro tickets?

FAT DICKHEAD: And politicians. And people selected for their genetic awesomeness. None of that riff-raff.

ADRIAN: Wow, you're a douche.

FAT DICKHEAD: Sure am!

Just then, Adrian's INDIAN SCIENTIST BFF CALLS him.

BFF SCIENTIST: I never got picked up and I'm about to die! So I decided to call and tell you that I'm about to die!

ADRIAN: …You couldn't have called _before_ you were about to die?

BFF SCIENTIST: Naw. Oh hey, my wife and son are here too! They'd like to say hello, before they also die.

BFF SCIENTIST'S KID: What up.

BFF SCIENTIST'S WIFE: I saved your fish curry for you, Adrian!

BFF SCIENTIST: Whoops, here comes the tidal wave. By the way, how great is this reception?

They DIE. SAD.

ADRIAN: OMG I'm so depressed. Hold on a second…this means there's a tidal wave coming _here _and we're all going to die _too_!

FAT DICKHEAD: Uh yeah, we already knew that.

ADRIAN: No, I mean, we're all going to die SOONER.

The COUNTDOWN CLOCK dramatically RUNS BACKWARD, a process which WASTES their precious SECONDS.

Meanwhile, JACKSON and FAMILY have—

GORDON and TAMARA: AND US!

—JACKSON and FAMILY and the EXPENDABLES have been PICKED UP by THAT RANDOM SMART-ASS KID FROM THAT ONE RANDOM SCENE ON THE MOUNTAIN.

JACKSON: WE NEED TO GO TO CHINA!

SMART-ASS KID: Dude, we know.

JACKSON: I have a map with China circled on it!

SMART-ASS KID: Good for you.

They start DRIVING to the SECRET SHIPS.

JACKSON, GORDON: (have a heartfelt conversation)

AUDIENCE: Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Dudes, we know he's going to die. Just kill him off already and stop torturing him and us!

They arrive at a SECRET BACK DOOR, where one of the CHINESE WORKERS is waiting to SNEAK his FAMILY onto the SHIPS.

CHINESE WORKER: Kid, what the hell are these white people doing here?

SMART-ASS KID: I dunno. They were just hitching to China.

CHINESE WORKER: Mkay, well good luck with that. See ya!

KATE: This is _bogus_! Hey you, granny, how old are you, like 85? And you think you're getting on this ship instead of my sweet 10-year-old kids?

GRANNY: Oh-no-you-di-in't! Bring it!

NOAH: Moo-om, you're embarrassing us!

LILLY: I still have no personality.

JACKSON: Guys! Stop this pointless bickering! We need to come together as human beings to show that we can be altruistic at the end of the world, just like I wrote about in my failed novel, in an awesome example of foreshadowing!

CHINESE WORKER: What. Ever. Come on then, you guys are drawing too much attention to us.

They somehow SNEAK along the EDGE of a SHIP, which APPARENTLY we were supposed to think would be a SPACESHIP. Meanwhile, YURI incites a RIOT.

TAMARA looks out onto the crowded PLATFORM and sees her DOG, which performs a stunning TIGHTROPE ACT in order to get to her. Because there is ALWAYS A DOG in disaster movies.

The ship's ANCHORS slam into place as JACKSON and FAMILY, the EXPENDABLES and the DOG secrete themselves in the BOWELS of the ark.

Meanwhile, on the BRIDGE…

ADRIAN: We have 15 minutes till impact. I think it's about time for me to give a deeply ernest and moving 10-minute speech about the value of humanity.

FAT DICKHEAD: You have _got_ to be kidding me. I might be a huge douche, but at least I don't give cloying speeches that make the audience feel like they need to shower because they've been doused in syrup and whipped cream.

ADRIAN: How can you disagree with me? I'm so freaking _ernest_. Look at this face.

FIRST DAUGHTER: I think I love you.

ADRIAN: We may have left the vast, vast majority of humanity to die horribly in earthquakes and tidal waves, especially my BFF that Indian guy, but I'll be damned if we stand by and let those poor Chinese workers, and those rich people whose ark broke, die too! You see, once there was a man walking along the beach throwing starfish into the water—

FAT DICKHEAD: Please stop. All this ernestness is giving me a rash. I think I'm allergic.

WORLD LEADERS: Russia, China, India, and Japan all agree to open the doors. France, England, Germany, Switzerland, Spain, and Italy agree to open the doors. Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, the Netherlands, Sweden, Turkey, New Zealand, Portugal, the Czech Republic, and Norway agree to open the doors. Greece says hell no. Canada, Australia, Argentina, South Africa, Egypt, Peru, Chile—

8 MINUTES LATER…

WORLD LEADERS: …and Suriname, Togo, and Moldova agree to open the doors.

FAT DICKHEAD: How did all these lazy-ass third world countries get onto our precious arks anyway? I must speak to someone about this.

They OPEN the GATE.

FAT DICKHEAD: This decision is going to come back and bite you in the ass.


End file.
